I didn't know how tired until I face planted in my lunch the next day. I dragged myself to the car, having to concentrate lifting my foot as high as the curb. I kept my eyes open long enough to crawl in my car, and I slept for two hours in a crowded parking lot. I realized jet lag was more than tired. This was beyond my control!

Burnout is much the same. I think of burnout this way…there's a dark recess of your mind that is the end of you. The bottom of the rope, the last step before the cliff, that moment just before you fall asleep...the end. That place is a different spot for different people. Some people have a deeper reserve and can take much more of what life can throw at them. Others have a shorter fuse and reach their spot of depletion sooner. Either way, burnout takes you to a tired that sleep doesn't fix.
I found that dark recess in my mind I didn't know existed until now. Burnout. I feel stupid and weak admitting I was there. The lack of admission was part of the reason I got there. Because I feel stupid and weak admitting I have this breaking point, and I let my actions and the actions of others break me.

​Honestly, I like helping people. I don't say that to make myself seem all humble and servant-like. If you know me, you know servanthood does not come naturally to me. Being bossy on the other hand does come naturally to me. I like helping people realize stuff. I am addicted to that moment when a girl sitting in front of me has the realization she can walk in total freedom from the past bad choices she has made. Or that moment when my husband and I are working through marriage problems with another couple, and they realize sticking it out is far more rewarding than being a quitter. There's no drug or alcoholic beverage that tops the exhilaration of seeing someone turn around and change their behavior for the better. I'm addicted. I admit it. I love seeing people be happy and work out their problems and I LOVE that I get to lead people to God's Word and watch their lives unfold.

There is this turning point, though, when you are in the business of helping people, that often times you start taking in information only to pass it back out. You hear a great sermon, a wonderful song, a cool quote, and you think "I could use that in a blog post. I need to tell my pastor wife friend about this podcast. I need to share this book with my friend who needs to hear this. I need to livestream the sermon so this other person can hear it who is at home with a sick child." And before you know it, everything you take in is getting passed right through you to other people. Even your morning devotions become note-taking sessions for others. Nothing is sticking, nothing is getting snagged for YOU!

​During this season of burnout and comeback, we took a sabbatical for three weeks. My husband Jack and I went to a different church one weekend. We wanted to go some place we could just go in and sit down and go to church. We haven't done that in something like 14 years. It was an amazing feeling. I had forgotten how much I love God's Church and His people. Now keep in mind, I was reading the book, "Leadership Pain" by Sam Chand while I was on sabbatical. Guess what the whole sermon was about that morning? You guessed it. Leadership pain.

God definitely had something for me that morning, but instantly I started the pass through. I thought of my friend who needed to hear a certain quote. I thought of all the people I knew who I wanted to hear this sermon. It was an incredible message. But I was in the middle of the pass-through, thinking of all the people I could minister to from this sermon when God so sweetly showed me...maybe it's just you who needs the ministry right now. He showed me how it was alright to let these words from Bishop Walker at Mt. Zion resonate with me, and only me, for that moment. Tears filled my eyes and I allowed myself for the next hour to just sit and soak it all in. I did not want to miss one moment God had for me. I stopped the pass-through and I snagged every morsel taking notes as quickly as my thumbs could type.
It truly was a wonderful feeling. So many of us in ministry want to see our church family succeed. We deeply want the best for them, so we get in this state of pass-through, not retaining any of the wisdom and knowledge we hear from others to teach us, lead us, and help us grow. We eventually become empty; nothing more than a slot machine. Put in a quarter, pull the lever, out comes the advice.
​
It's okay to keep the pass-throughs going. But take time to snag some for yourself. Or better yet, snag the whole thing for yourself; let it steep for a while; then continue the pass-through. I challenge all my pastor friends, counselor friends, pastor's wife friends to notice how often you go into pass-through mode. The next time you realize it, stop and think about what you're hearing or reading and how it can apply to YOUR life first, and you will take a step in guarding yourself against burnout.

It is not necessary to include every word written in my journal—it would take months of weekly posts to do so. What IS important, is for me to convey to you how big, how loving, how faithful, and how amazing our God is. If He can do this new thing in me, He can and will (if you let Him) do it for you. That is my prayer! If you would like to catch up with last week’s blog, click here.
 
Several days after my trip to the ER, my husband felt it necessary for the two of us to get away to a place of quiet and solitude for healing to begin. Restlessness and anxiety were something I could not shake. I thought I was losing my mind. 
 
January 16, 2011, 9:11 P.M.
"I stood in a place I have never stood before, challenged to let God work through the process of healing my mind and restoring rest to my body. God led [a pastor] to send us a text sharing that while praying for us he felt led to have us read Psalm 27. Not knowing the specifics of [our] needs, he truly heard from the Lord. Verse 1 reads, ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?' That chapter was meant for us!"
 
On the last morning of our get-away, we attended service at the church where this man pastored. Before his message, I went forward for prayer, claiming God's healing in my life. The message he preached penetrated my soul. The following morning I journaled:
 
January 17, 2011, 2:00 A.M.
“'The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.' Proverbs 18:21. In Jesus’ name, I take hold of the word you shared with Don and me…I am healed, in Jesus’ name. The things spoken to me through your Word are for me and I accept them, claim them, and stand upon them for they are life to me."

“The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21. 

However, the next night I again woke with anxiety, fear gripping my mind.
 
January 18
"I cast it (anxiety) on Jesus and I repent for allowing fear to take its grip on me. Lord, I give you every thought that would attempt to ‘exalt itself against the knowledge of Christ’ ['and take every thought captive to obey Christ,' 2 Corinthians 10:5.] For I know that You are able to keep [that] which I have committed unto You. I speak health over my mind, body and soul. I am healed and I walk in total VICTORY!"

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:5

Here me out—I didn’t feel victorious at that point! I didn't feel healed. But, I knew the truth of God’s Word and by faith I began to declare my wholeness. 
 
January 21, 2011, 12:40 A.M.
"Oh, Lord, you have spoken to my heart many times in many ways. I’m tired and weary and ready for rest. Yet, there must be something you need me to learn during these times in the night. I’m reminded of the scripture I read last night in Psalm 30, '…weeping lasts for the night…joy comes in the morning [my version]. I’m ready for 'the morning.' [Scriptures continue to come to my mind. Applying the principles of God's Word, I declare truth over specific areas of my life.]

"'Psalm 27:1, 'The Lord is my Light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?'
 
"'God’s Word is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.' Hebrews 4:12 ESV'"
 
God's Word is powerful! If you aren’t using this weapon of offense, you are missing out on the life that God designed for you. 
 
January 22, 2011
"Lord, you have blessed me with Your Word. You have spoken TRUTH to my heart. I am encouraged as Your Holy Spirit has so beautifully led me to scripture to speak to [me]. I’m in a place I have never been before. I crave God’s presence; time with You. I need You more than ever before!"
 
What I hope I have conveyed to you through these few journal entries, is the importance God’s Word was (and is) to me. I had to read it, hold on to it, meditate on it, and live it. When the rubber hit the road, it was God’s Word that proved to be my lifeline. Godly counsel was certainly needed and helpful; a christian doctor to recognize a chemical imbalance was a benefit; but it was God through His Word, and by His Holy Spirit that I can say I am victorious.

I had to read it, hold on to it, meditate on it,
and live it.
 
For the next several months, I found myself gaining strength, struggling less with anxious thoughts. Daily, and eventually less frequently, I  journaled what God was revealing to me. As I did, the heaviness began to lift. His Word was literally life to my entire being!

Would I ask to again walk the path God allowed me to walk? Probably not. Did I grow closer to Him through this time of desperation? Most certainly! And I wouldn't trade it for any earthly treasure. I'm truly grateful for His Word revealed in my life and the "new thing" that I hope always remains fresh within me. 
 
For the past two weeks I have shared excerpts from my journal, thinking I would continue through January before ending. After reconsidering, I am closing with this last post. Next week, you will read a post from a  blogger on the subject of burnout. Be sure to check it out.