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10 Commandments of Communication and Conflict in the Church

2/28/2017

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10 Commandments of Communication and Conflict in the Church
Jason St. John, Lead Pastor
Evangel Church, Kansas City

By Lisa Harris

​One of the hardest aspects of ministry life is learning when and how to use our words...appropriately, at the right time, without judgment, in the right tone...and when to be silent. Come to think of it, it doesn't matter if you are in ministry or a mom or a grocery clerk or the town mayor, learning to speak in the right way at the right time is a lesson that would benefit all of us. For the next several weeks we will be looking at how to keep our own tongue under control, how to react to words that hurt and injure, and how to use our words to encourage and enhance the body.


Last year I was in a meeting with a small congregation that was starting the journey to be parented by another church. When I say small, I mean no more than six people, and most of them elderly. The parenting church pastor and his wife had come to introduce themselves to the people, to answer questions about the people's concerns, and to encourage them. I was so impressed by his mini lesson on communication expectations, that I asked if I could use his handout. I knew at some point I wanted to share what he said with you all. Now is the time.

I am amazed at how people act sometimes, the lack of respect and kindness, the lack of commonsense social graces, but even I can get down and dirty if I'm not mindful. Just because we are the church and say we hold ourselves to a higher standard, it doesn't mean we always act the way we think we ought. This is good instruction for men and women in ministry and also for the church body, one that we should take to heart and remember and share with our people. We all know about Robert's Rules of Order and how they keep a meeting running smoothly and in order. How about using God's Rules of Church Etiquette to keep the church running smoothly and in order?

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)
 

1. If you have a problem with the pastor, staff or leadership, go to them privately.

2. If they have a problem with you, they will come to you privately.

 
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 (NIV)
 
3. If someone has a problem with the pastor/leadership and comes to you, send them to the pastor/leadership. They will do the same for you.

4. If someone consistently will not come to the pastor, say, "Let's go to the Pastor together. I am sure he will see us about this."

 
"But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refused to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." Matthew 18:16-17 (NIV)
 
5. If you say to the pastor, the staff or the leadership, "People are talking." We will ask who? We ask you to do the same to others.

6. If it is confidential, do not tell others. We will not tell other people unless (a) the person is going to harm himself/herself, (b) the person is going to physically harm someone else, or (c) a child has been physically or sexually abused. We expect the same from you.

7. We will not read or be swayed by anonymous correspondence. If you send a signed letter or not, don't be surprised if one of us asks you to come and talk about it.

8. We will not manipulate people; we don't want to be manipulated by others; don't let others manipulate you.

9. Always fee free to ask any question you may have.

10. Be careful of misinterpretation.

 
Conversations go better than confrontation. A rule of thumb is to pray three days, when possible, before  starting that conversation.
 
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)


Food for Thought:
Would this instruction help you personally to deal with conflict and your reaction to it?
Would this wisdom help you to minister to your people more effectively?
Would your church body benefit from knowing the rules of engagement, the expectations for proper communication and actions, within the church?

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Lisa Harris is mom, grandmother and pastor's wife. She and her husband, Jerry, are directors of Inner City Ministries of STL/Reach MO Network, helping to support and facilitate church planters and their families. Lisa also works with Refresh Ministry Women, a SMD program for pastors' wives, missionary wives, and credentialed women, and SMD Coaching Network, helping to create a coaching culture in the Southern MO District.
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The Rock That Is Higher Than I

2/22/2017

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From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I 
(Psalms 61:3 NASB).

God Never Promised Us
​A Rose Garden


Many are told that when they come to faith in Christ they will experience love, joy, and peace; which is so very true. But we fail to mention that these byproducts of the Christian faith are often couched between hardship, suffering, and struggle. God seems to be more concerned with our character than our comfort. In the normal Christian experience, struggle is the name of...continue


This article is linked to the CBN website. Copyright © 2014 Ken Barnes.
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The Healthy Marriage Check-Up

2/15/2017

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By Ashley Simmons

Marriage…what a wonderful, complicated thing. First, let me say I’m not a marriage expert but I’ve survived marriage and even thrived in marriage through seasons of amazing blessings and seasons of devastation. As wonderful as marriage is, it’s not always easy. I’ve learned some lessons the hard way and other lessons were just sweet love notes from heaven.​

No matter where your marriage is today, it can flourish and be an example to others with God’s help. I didn’t say perfection. It may be as simple as changing your... continue reading

Ashley Simmons has been married to her wonderful husband, Tim, for 18 years. They have served in ministry together since the day they were married. Tim and Ashley have 2 beautiful children, Cole 14 and Kennedy 13. Tim serves as Executive Pastor at Life Fellowship Church in Olive Branch, MS and Ashley serves on staff at the Guest Services Director. Her hobbies include "having two teenagers! It is quite time consuming." Ashley loves to write, share her story and minister to women. Before coming to Life Fellowship, Tim and Ashley traveled and spoke on the restoration of marriages. The tour was called, For Love For Life. The enemy wants to destroy the family but they have seen God turn ashes in beauty! Read more from Ashley at www.ashleylsimmons.com
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    Where do you go to learn about being a minister's wife?

    It is our desire here at Refresh to see that each woman has a positive experience in partnership with their husband in ministry.

    Bloom wants to provide guidance, support, connection, and encouragement to wives new to ministry through a connection with a seasoned and trained minister's wife using a Connect group created specifically for you. We'll use books to guide us in our conversations about the challenges, issues, benefits, and rewards of being a minister's wife.

    We believe when women are strengthen, our families and churches are strengthened, and the ministry of the gospel is strengthened.

    What will I do in a Bloom Group?

    Join Bloom
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    Let us hear from you. Next group starting April 2018.

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