10 Commandments of Communication and Conflict in the Church

10 Commandments of Communication and Conflict in the Church
Jason St. John, Lead Pastor
Evangel Church, Kansas City

By Lisa Harris

​One of the hardest aspects of ministry life is learning when and how to use our words...appropriately, at the right time, without judgment, in the right tone...and when to be silent. Come to think of it, it doesn't matter if you are in ministry or a mom or a grocery clerk or the town mayor, learning to speak in the right way at the right time is a lesson that would benefit all of us. For the next several weeks we will be looking at how to keep our own tongue under control, how to react to words that hurt and injure, and how to use our words to encourage and enhance the body.

Last year I was in a meeting with a small congregation that was starting the journey to be parented by another church. When I say small, I mean no more than six people, and most of them elderly. The parenting church pastor and his wife had come to introduce themselves to the people, to answer questions about the people's concerns, and to encourage them. I was so impressed by his mini lesson on communication expectations, that I asked if I could use his handout. I knew at some point I wanted to share what he said with you all. Now is the time.

I am amazed at how people act sometimes, the lack of respect and kindness, the lack of commonsense social graces, but even I can get down and dirty if I'm not mindful. Just because we are the church and say we hold ourselves to a higher standard, it doesn't mean we always act the way we think we ought. This is good instruction for men and women in ministry and also for the church body, one that we should take to heart and remember and share with our people. We all know about Robert's Rules of Order and how they keep a meeting running smoothly and in order. How about using God's Rules of Church Etiquette to keep the church running smoothly and in order?

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)
 
1. If you have a problem with the pastor, staff or leadership, go to them privately.

2. If they have a problem with you, they will come to you privately.
 
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15 (NIV)
 
3. If someone has a problem with the pastor/leadership and comes to you, send them to the pastor/leadership. They will do the same for you.

4. If someone consistently will not come to the pastor, say, "Let's go to the Pastor together. I am sure he will see us about this."
 
"But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refused to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." Matthew 18:16-17 (NIV)
 
5. If you say to the pastor, the staff or the leadership, "People are talking." We will ask who? We ask you to do the same to others.

6. If it is confidential, do not tell others. We will not tell other people unless (a) the person is going to harm himself/herself, (b) the person is going to physically harm someone else, or (c) a child has been physically or sexually abused. We expect the same from you.

7. We will not read or be swayed by anonymous correspondence. If you send a signed letter or not, don't be surprised if one of us asks you to come and talk about it.

8. We will not manipulate people; we don't want to be manipulated by others; don't let others manipulate you.

9. Always fee free to ask any question you may have.

10. Be careful of misinterpretation.
 
Conversations go better than confrontation. A rule of thumb is to pray three days, when possible, before  starting that conversation.
 
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)

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Food for Thought:
Would this instruction help you personally to deal with conflict and your reaction to it?
Would this wisdom help you to minister to your people more effectively?
Would your church body benefit from knowing the rules of engagement, the expectations for proper communication and actions, within the church?

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Lisa Harris is mom, grandmother and pastor's wife. She and her husband, Jerry, are directors of Inner City Ministries of STL/Reach MO Network, helping to support and facilitate church planters and their families. Lisa also works with Refresh Ministry Women, a SMD program for pastors' wives, missionary wives, and credentialed women, and SMD Coaching Network, helping to create a coaching culture in the Southern MO District.