Do you have any "if only's" in your thought life? Are they holding you back, keeping you from moving forward? Beth Holmes shares with us the follies of comparison and ways to overcome our tendencies to compare.

​“If only our church had a full-time children’s minister …"

“If only our women’s ministry could find its footing …”
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“If only our people would volunteer more …”

The expression “if only” is a great temptation in ministry. If only everything and everyone would line up, then we could do what another church is doing. If only we could convince our people to do the right steps, then we could be like another church...read more

The phrase, “Don’t let the disappointment in a few keep you from loving the many,” comes from a chapter in my book, 10 Things Every Minister’s Wife Needs to Know. In recent days, I’ve gone through a season of disappointment, and I’ve had to remind myself of my own words. And unfortunately, I am pretty sure I will find myself there again in the future. You may say, well, that’s just ministry life. But it’s not. It’s everyone’s life, regardless of the occupation of your husband.

As minister’s wives, we can be tempted to withdraw or retreat, become bitter, give up or be resentful of hurts. But when we do that, we end up lonely and isolated, and we miss the blessings of the “many” God has called us to serve and serve with. We sometimes determine in our hearts we will never allow ourselves to be put in that position again—we determine not to be vulnerable or transparent ever again. We tell ourselves it’s not worth the effort or the hurt. Unfortunately, that gets us nowhere in the eyes of others, or most importantly, with the Lord.

So how are we to respond when we feel that keen disappointment in others? In my recent season, I deliberately decided to respond exactly opposite of how I felt on the inside. Rather than choosing to withdraw (my natural inclination) and retreat, I chose to take advantage of an opportunity to honor and commend others.
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Rather than focusing on my personal disappointment,..read more

When we first started out in pastoral ministry, it seemed most of our decisions were made in reaction to whatever situation we were in. For the most part, that decision-making style served us pretty well. As time went on and we dived deeper into ministry, we found that life ran smoother if we did some proactive thinking and planning, asking ourselves questions like, "What would we do if...? How will our actions affect our children and our home?"

Amy Rager, a church-planter, writes about how she and her husband came to the same conclusions as we did. She gives us some tips on WWWD - What We Will Do - before the situation arises.

A ministry wife often hesitates to call herself a leader. We shy away from the “leader” label. Yet every single one of us is. Some may like it. Some may not. But it is unwise for us to resist, ignore or deny it. We're leaders, and so, embracing the leadership role will help us begin to steward it more effectively.

Michael Hyatt shared some powerful realities of leadership that fascinated me. While reading them, I looked in the rear view mirror at my 41 years of leadership primarily as a ministry wife. I could actually recall the landscape of the four types of these realities Hyatt said could play out in leadership life.
He nails it.
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As leaders, we possess more power than we think. But we can only use it for good if we understand and embrace it. We need to remind ourselves of these four leadership realities:

1. People are aware of our role. As much as we may want to be “just one of the troops,” our people can’t separate us from our role in the organization. Even if it’s only subconscious, they know we can advance, hold back or derail their careers. This colors their perception and interactions with us.
2. People notice our behavior. This is easy to forget. When I was just beginning my career, I noticed how my boss treated his assistant, whether or not he was punctual to meetings and what he did when he was angry. So did my colleagues. We often spoke of it to one another. We noticed the most trivial details.
3. People amplify our words and actions. This is the scary part. We may think we are just being firm, but our people see us as angry. “He chewed me out,” she reports to her friends. Or we ask a question, and our people interpret this as a lack of trust. Everything gets dialed up a click or two.
4. People create stories to explain our behavior. This is just human nature. We inherently try to see the patterns behind the facts and create meaning. Sometimes we get the story right; often we get it wrong. Regardless, we knit together the facts and create narratives to make sense of our world.

My sisters in ministry, upon reading these realities you may feel challenged, dismayed or sick to your stomach. I understand all of those responses. But the right response is to pray. Ask God to show you how to lead well for His glory. Ask Him to the confidence and strength you need to be in this leadership role. My sisters in ministry, the wrong response would be to ignore your roles as ministry wives. Do not ignore this reminder that you are a leader who most likely lives with these realities. Like it or not, we are.

The smell was more nauseating than anything else. Coupled with the constant motion of the water and the seaweed wrapped around him, the man expected nothing but death.

Fish.
Rotten fish.
Stinking fish.
Live fish.
Dying fish.

Man.
Entangled man.
Rotting man.
Live man.
Dying man.

How did he end up in this place? Why didn’t God just let him die in the sea? Why did he have to end up here to die a slow, painful, agonizing death?

The gastric juices kept burning his flesh. Open sores were appearing all over his body. He found no way to be comfortable, no way to rest. Why couldn’t he just die?

He found a piece of wood and rested as much as possible. If he laid across it just right, then maybe he wouldn’t have to tread through so much water and dead fish.

He drifted to sleep.

He heard the voice. Plain, simple. No details yet, but that didn’t matter. He heard God speak!
Once again he felt the excitement! God needed him!

Remedy Church Go-Live hit the ground running at MRH High School October 2012. I’ve been in a season of reflecting on our rich “Survivor-like” journey as we approach our 5th anniversary. Lives have been transformed, callings answered, and a deep relational church community built. There have also been devastating disappointments, moments of hard failure, and long stretches of exhaustion filled with tears, pain, and grief. As my ministry leader, and mission-partner, my husband’s steadfastness, raw grit, and transparent faith has kept me grounded through the biggest of these hail storms.

I’m privileged to say he’s always championed the calling of ministry on my life. Not everyone has joined his support of me. The boxes, binds, and expectations that are inadvertently placed on pastor’s wives and church leaders have been the source of most of the difficulties I’ve faced. Dr. Seuss’, “Do You Like My Hat” has nothing on all the different hats I’m expected to wear. Keeping perfect emotional balance, managing sports and homework, dinner on the table during a 40 hour work week, and always a prayer or encouraging word in my back pocket to offer…just to name a few. With binds like these, it’s easy to feel inadequate, lonely, and misunderstood.

After weathering several tough storms, I believe the best antidotes to these binds are to intentionally develop authentic relationships with those around you and be devoted to your identity that can only be rooted and grounded in Christ.
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After weathering several tough storms, I believe the best antidotes to these binds are to intentionally develop authentic relationships with those around you and be devoted to your identity that can only be rooted and grounded in Christ. These are a great prescription for freedom to be WHO you are and enjoy WHERE you are on the way to where you want to be. After all, if true life-change happens in the context of relationships, that goes for ministry leaders too!

There are not enough words to express our gratitude for the support and true partnership demonstrated by the Southern Missouri District. We expect many more victories before us as we remember, “Let us not be weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Galatians 6:9

In our discussion this month about marriage in ministry, this week's blog post is one I'm suggesting that you share with your husband and have a discussion, just the two of you. The article says, "Ministry couples need to confront the tension between church and family by negotiating the specific challenges in the ministry environment." How do you as husband/wife and family respond to this strain of ministry? It's worth having a conversation about this subject now...better yet, make it an ongoing conversation, kind of like a health check up for your marriage in ministry.

A pastor once told us, "I was at a board meeting where we were examining potential elders. One candidate was asked, 'Are you willing to make sacrifices with your family for the sake of the church?' And it was a weird moment because I asked myself, What's the right answer to that question?"

Over the past seven years, we've gathered pastors and their spouses into peer cohorts, which met repeatedly in multiday retreats called Pastors Summits where we facilitated heartfelt discussions about the challenges of vocational ministry. During one of our summits, a participant shared the following story:

A few years ago, I asked my wife what it felt like to be married to me, after 20 years of marriage and 18 years of ministry together. I was optimistic of her positive response. She said, "I know that I would never divorce you. And I certainly would never kill you. However, I can't help but think the boys and I would be better off if you were not alive."

My response? I was ready to leave the ministry in order to save my marriage I went to my elders and told them what my wife had said. After some quiet moments, one of the elders finally said, "Now is not the time for you to leave the ministry. Now is the time for you to learn what the ministry is all about." With their support, my wife and I began extended counseling together. This has resulted in some pretty dramatic changes in the way I live life and do ministry.
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The effects of ministry on marriage—and marriage on ministry—are rarely discussed, yet intimately connected. From the summit discussion with ministry couples, we identified two primary challenges facing marriage and family for those in the ministry. We will explore these two stressors and describe the most helpful responses and actions identified by the summit couples.

Pastors can only dream of a nine-to-five job in which the whistle blows and the work stays behind as they head for home. One pastor stated emphatically, "Ministry is not a job; it's a lifestyle. Even when I'm home, I'm subject to the telephone and my inability to turn some of the church emotions off. I feel like I'm faking it with the kids much of the time."
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Pastors rarely feel like they can step away from their ministry responsibilities...read more