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by Terry Magness I received a strong message growing up that I could do nothing right. As an adult, this belief led me to become a major people pleasing procrastinator. For an example, as a young married, I took art classes...for twelve years, and probably produced as many paintings. My work never reached the unattainable standard I set for myself. I continued painting on my pieces even after they were framed. A couple of decades ago I wrote two books. The first book took five years to construct, and the second, seven years. Why? Because I continually rewrote them! In my eyes, the books were never good enough for anyone to appreciate. Blogging is something I have had on the radar for years. However, the voices in my head as to why not to write have had the final say. It was confusing. While involved in ministry in other countries, I experienced a confidence and boldness; but when I return to my own turf, I found fear waiting for me. Something was wrong. I did not realize how paralyzing fear could be even to a servant of the Lord. As a pastoral counselor, I was unprepared for the kinds of manipulation I encountered. I found it hard to say "no." I need to prove myself, right? Besides, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or to have anyone angry with me. I thought if I demonstrate God's love by being there for people, it would help them find and know the love of Jesus. That was good intent, but because setting boundaries was difficult for me, I allowed myself to be swallowed up by the needs of others to my own detriment. The inevitable eventually happened. I experienced major burnout. I functioned superficially. My faith and trust in God was intact, but I was unable to relate to people more than skin deep. I was empty. I stepped down from my church staff position as pastoral counselor.  Zach Williams - Fear is a Liar lyrics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQTnREEtuNk None of us can afford to ignore the signals. Fear in any form must be acknowledged and faced or it may well be our demise. Picture a bullfighter grasping the large ring in the bull's nose. That ring gives the bullfighter a distinct advantage. By that seemingly insignificant ring, he can conceivably pull a 500-pound bull to the ground onto his knees. Is fear the ring in your nose? The Bible says, as followers of Christ, Satan is an enemy who seeks to stop us from accomplishing what God has called us to do. As long as we have a ring in our nose, Satan has the advantage. We can be faithful, powerful Christians, but the enemy will look for and find our weakness. He will target that fear, grab hold, and bring us down. Once he brings us to our knees, Satan then whispers lies in our ear. His lies convince us we cannot be what God created us to be or do what He called us to do. He accuses us again and again of our failures until we believe we cannot succeed. We lose confidence, our sense of self-worth, and our desire to try. Recognizing fear for what it is and how it works in us is half the battle. I finally recognized the fear of man and the fear of failure that had plagued me for years. The recognition gave me courage to change. This was the first step toward ridding myself of fear, and obtaining victory. Understanding what had happened and why, I began praying and asking God to deliver me from fear, to make me bold as a lion and harmless as a dove. Right away I saw small encouraging signs of answered prayers. Over time fear retreated. Boldness to be who I am to speak the truth in love began growing daily. Even though fear confronts us from time to time, we know Who we believe! 1 Thessalonians 5:24 ESV tells us, "He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." He gives us victory! And guess what...I'm writing!
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What do I know about forgiveness? Enough to know that it isn’t easy. Enough to know that it is a process. And enough to know what it is not. I was raised to know the importance of forgiveness. It was an easier principle to put into practice as long as I was in the loving home of my childhood. However, as an adult, I have had more reasons to forgive and more years to face its challenges. When it comes to forgiveness, I’ve lived it, accepted it, given it, and messed it up. It has been decades ago, but I will never forget the feeling I had when I first realized forgiveness would be a constant presence in my life. I’ll never forget where I was sitting. The way the air felt. The feeling that the bottom had just dropped out of my world. The knowledge that things would never be the same. My husband--the love of my life, the man I saved myself for, the only man I had ever known in the Biblical sense--had just told me that he had “known” another woman. Not just any woman. A close friend.  Photo by Vlad Bagacian on Unsplash He cried. He was SO sorry. He begged my forgiveness. God did a healing in our marriage. I did not believe in divorce. However, I did believe in forgiveness. He promised it would never happen again. He told me if I really had forgiven him, I would not talk about it or bring it up. Then a few years later, it happened once again. Again, he begged my forgiveness. By then, we had a precious baby girl and pastored a large church. Again, he begged me to tell no one. We went to six months of marriage counseling which resulted in his promise that it would never happen again--and a promise from me that if it did, I would leave. We stayed together and had another precious baby girl. God did another healing in our marriage. Two years later, he confessed to me that he had been involved in three additional affairs over the period of one year. Once again, he begged my forgiveness and wanted to stay together and work it out. Something inside me broke. I was done. Done covering up. Done having my heart torn to shreds. The divorce was difficult with years of drama and pain. So you may ask, what do I know about forgiveness?
We cannot balance the scales. Forgiveness means the scales are forever out of balance. It means that one person is always going to owe a debt. It’s only when we forgive the debt that we can heal. Several years ago, after we had both remarried and re-established our lives, a deep healing came. As we sat visiting on the front porch after he had visited our daughters, I shared with him that although the intellectual decision to forgive him had been made years ago, only recently had I felt that I had emotionally forgiven him. I told him he did not owe me anything and I wanted him to know that I released him to be happy and free in his life. He in turn asked my forgiveness. This time there was such a feeling of peace. I am so grateful the Lord allowed us to have this conversation, because he tragically died two months later. What do I know about forgiveness? I know that forgiveness allows you to put the pain and hurt behind you, release it, and move beyond the hurt and heal. With all we have been forgiven in our own lives, how can we not offer forgiveness, love, and mercy to those around us?  If one word could depict a life, Julie Davenport’s would be “redemption.” As a child in the Perkin household, Julie’s character was forged within a legacy of faith, godliness, and ministry. So when she married a charismatic young pastor on the fast-track to prominence, life was everything she’d dreamed it would be . . . on the outside. But inside, alone and hidden from view, Julie endured abuse, betrayal, and infidelities that spiraled to include miscarriage, cancer, divorce, mental illness, and eventually suicide. With a BA in Art Education from Southwest MO State University, Julie served as a parent educator with the Independence MO School District for many years. She is now an ordained minister with the Assemblies of God. Today, through speaking engagements and two daughters continuing the legacy of ministry, God is using Julie’s life-story to validate His immeasurable grace and prove His power to redeem what Satan tried so hard to destroy.
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